Outlaw Shakespeare

By Diamond Jim Davis

DJ: (Pompously) To be or not to be, that is the question.
Larry: It is or it ain’t, that’s what I’m askin’.
(Pause, Larry looks over at Diamond Jim and gives a big redneck grin.)

DJ: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ear! I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him!
Larry: You and y’all listen up! I got some gripin’ to do.

DJ: O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Larry: Hey, any one of y’all seen my horse?

DJ: Out, out brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon stage and then is heard no more.
Larry: (With some surprise) Well at least he tried!

DJ: All the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts.
Larry: At some time or another everybody gets up in front and makes an ass off themselves.
(Pause, Diamond Jim gives Larry a dirty and disgusted look.)

DJ: Have you not a moist eye, a dry hand, and yellow cheek, a white beard, a decreasing leg, an increasing belly? Is not your voice broken, your mind short, your chin double, your wit single and every part of you blasted with antiquity?
Larry: (Exclaims) You crotchety old fart!
(Diamond Jim retrieves the skull and holds it up.)

DJ: Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite hest, and most excellent fancy.
(Larry grabs an apple, and bites eyes and a mouth, turns it to the audiance.)
Larry: (Pauses) Who cares, he was a fruit!

DJ: This above all: to thine own self be true.
Larry: Where ever you go, there you are.

DJ: But love it blind and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that themselves commit.
Larry: I went to bed at 2 with a 10, and woke up at 10 with a 2.
(Pace begins to pick up)

DJ: The fool doth think that he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.
Larry: You ain’t so smart.
(Diamond Jim shoots Larry another dirty look.)
Larry: Well, nobody’s perfect.

DJ: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Larry: If it walks like a duck…

DJ: But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
Larry: I don’t get it.

DJ: A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
Larry: Dumb ass, now you gotta walk back to town.

DJ: Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Larry: Glub, glub; Fartin’ in the tub!

DJ: I’ll put a girdle round about the Earth in forty minutes.
Larry: Superman couldn’t get her dressed.

(The pace quickens again!)

DJ: Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
Larry: Don’t ask, don’t tell!

DJ: If music be the food of love, play on!
Larry: Sing her a song and take her out back!

DJ: Shall I compare the to a summers day?
Larry: Damn, you’re hot!

DJ: This is the very ecstasy of love.
Larry: Whew, that was good!

DJ: The course of love never did run smooth.
Larry: Dang woman’s always naggin’ me.

DJ: The lady doth protest to much me thinks.
Larry: Shut up!… …already!

DJ: To sleep perchance to dream, ay there’s the rub.
Larry: Quit yer day dreamin’ and get your hand outta yer pants.

DJ: The Devil can cite scripture for his purpose.
Larry: Dagum Liar!

DJ: Out, damn’d spot! Out, I say!
Larry: Sit… good dog!

DJ: (While drawing his sword) All that glisters is not gold!
Larry: Eeeww… shiny!

DJ: Tempt not a desperate man!
Larry: Yer pissin’ me off!

DJ: Et tu Brute!
Larry: Up yours Bubba!

DJ: Cowards die many times before their deaths, (raises sword) the valiant never taste of death but once!
Larry: Shakespeare’s a sissy! I think he just called you a sissy.
(Larry moves Lefty into harms way. Diamond Jim runs Lefty thru accidentally.)
Larry: Run away and fight another day!

Larry: Parting is such sweet sorrow.
DJ: Y’all come back now, ya hear!

2009 © Copyright by Jim Davis